Thursday, 2 February 2012

Thoughts

A day after my final paper for STPM is Youth Camp 2011. Had mixed feelings as it felt like I have nobody with me. Thank God for siblings and more "siblings" LOL! Being the eldest among all, pressure anot? I even had to peel off the prawn shell for a now 17 year old "lil sister" pampered much :P I definitely miss Wynne and Su Xian BADLY. I signed up for youth camp anyway, perhaps it was a way to get back in touch with the youths and maybe with DG. My leaders from Form 1 til now had been changing for a few times, until camp only I knew about our current leader. I won't call them my leaders yet as they are practically strangers to me. Noah had Physics so he came a day later, phew, at least, at last, somebody around, our Ah-neh ^^.

Don't get me wrong, I learned a lot from camp, it was a good one. These are just my inner thoughts that most ppl find it weird. I just got to get myself sorted lol?

The so called "Mandarin speaking peeps" ain't a clique. Just so happen after every DG discussion, we sit together around the same table. We are from different ages, so it's quite cool in my opinion cuz we can just mingle with peeps of all ages, not just limited to our own DG. For some of us, it's not like we don't understand English, we're just not used to speaking in a long, smooth sentences.
I encounter this: Someone was describing a new comer, describe all you want but never say "kinda CHINA-ISH", like, "what?!" just because she can speak Mandarin, doesn't make her China-ish. Home-school ppl are general OK in their English. For me, I speak in  any language I feel most comfortable in. Stop labeling before any one of them opens up their mouth and call you a banana or worst, someone who forgotten your roots. I know I sounded harsh but, it's the fact. No offence. Think. Everyone has their strength and weakness.

Throne room. All of us were asked to find someone to pray and share with. I will always be there for the younger ones but for me to share my thoughts with them, ain't relevant lol? Stood behind the hall, looking and praying. At last? John came to me. I told him I was looking for somebody preferably same age or older to share with but no luck =( Noah was leading a group so can't get him. Cut the long story short, we shared our struggles and prayed about it. I was still looking for erm, help? 5 days camp wey.

One of the nights after session, I talked to Kor Oon-Ee about some stuff (I forgot exactly what dy) but it's settled. then my problem. Finding a place in church. My church for literally my whole life. I did attend youth on Saturdays back then but it did not last due to distance. For my siblings, things changed as my parents are now much eager to send them to church every Saturday. My ex "leaders" did say some stuff regarding distance, like it's not a problem at all. They do not understand, try driving from church to my house for a few times, I doubt you'll complaint to me anymore. After some time, no more caring whether I attend youth or not. Besides Wynne, Kor Oon-Ee has the picture of my background: My parents, siblings, family as a whole. They know how much my CUs play a VERY BIG part in my walk of faith. Poured out all my disappointments, feelings and of course, tears >< *talk, teary, choke, wash face* Thinking back, that was pretty scary :O in front of Kor Oon-Ee samore :/ Willa came out to join us for a while. The conversation ended with a prayer about 3am. Thanking God for the good influences I have. Without KHCU, I might grew cold back then and will never be serving in any aspects, and I might not be any part of STKCU. Now it's time to move on and find another place/area/(idk what term to use.) Did not doze off the next morning but puffy eyes @.@

Another night, talked to Noah when the rest of the DG was busy laughing away. I guess I prefer quality talk/discussion time. Shared about our Form 6 life and plans/thoughts we had in mind. Catching up with an old pal =)

I did try to get to know the new group better so when the time it comes for me to join the Friday nights meeting, it won't be as awkward as it would be. I need Wynne nao! =( They were always running around as the service team. Occasionally, I had to join another DG. Thank God for various ppl who talk to me. Caryn and Su-Kim. It meant a lot to me. Su-Kim apologized 'cuz she didn't know I was of that age group? idk. she said that if she knew, she would have slotted me in the service team. From the bottom of my heart, I did not blame her, so many things are going around and it wasn't obvious. My own group did not even notice, what more her? =) I was happy that she came and talk to me anyway =)

I wouldn't want any new comer to experience what I did. like I don't know where I should be at this time, should I go join the other group for discussion or should I wait for the original group that I was placed in to finish servicing and join them? At least tell me where should I be/go.

I was rude to turn down a kind offer, I apologized after that. I'm flawed too but I learn from my mistakes.

No hard feelings. Just thoughts. Now.. is it Friday soon? :/ :O

Thank you for reading. Meant a lot to me. Judge me if you want to be judged.
God bless you =)